If there was ever anything in my life that I would love to obsess about, it’s exercising and eating healthier. Eating healthier actually seemed easier to me when I was going to culinary school and making lots of cakes, brownies, and pies! I had amazing self-control back then and rarely ate what I made in class. I took everything to where my dad worked and dropped it off afterwards so I wouldn’t be tempted. That was in 2008 when I first started doing personal training and was told to cut out as much sugar as possible. Why was it so much easier to do then? I don’t crave sweets and sugar as much as I did back then, but I seem to have zero self control when it comes to healthier food options and portion control. A good-sized portion of mashed potatoes and 3 rolls with dinner last night was a big no-no! This internet meme pretty much sums me up.
I really started feeling down about my recent weight gain (or lack of weight loss) after seeing a picture of myself taken last week. I began to seriously pursue my weight loss journey in November 2009 when I reached the heaviest I’d ever been and having seen pictures of myself in which my face looked fat for the first time ever. Apparently it didn’t do much good to practice all that self-control in culinary school since I got bigger afterwards. I worked with a different personal trainer twice a month for a year, and the weight came off slowly. You could tell more by appearance that I was toning up. In one year, I’d went from a size 16 in the jeans I wear to a size 8, and I was beyond excited. My stomach was finally starting to flatten! But life likes to throw unexpected curve balls that I’ve never been too good at dealing with.
In one year, I’d lost 24 lbs and was looking great! As of yesterday, I am back up to 167 lbs and look fat in pictures again, especially my arms, butt, and thighs. I look terrible! After seeing myself in the picture, I am somewhat depressed. It’s hard to feel sexy when you look like THAT! Granted, I can still squeeze into those size 8 pants with some major muffin tops, so I’m sure a size 10 would be comfortable now in that brand (Sonoma). For now, I have swapped jean brands until I get rid of some of the fat, so I am wearing a size 12 in Levi’s for curvy women. But I’ve lost all the muscle toning I’d worked so hard to achieve, and my stomach is now back to making me look like I am permanently pregnant. 🙁 And no, I’m not pregnant.
I am feeling so “blah” about my weight gain lately, I am trying SUPER hard not to fall into a state of mind in which I don’t care about anything. So much has been going on in my life in the past 2 months, and what do I do? Eat. I am trying to really get into the mindset of “get out there and get it done!” so I can stay motivated and look like my October 2010 picture above. I am making a HUGE effort to exercise more this week, even though I feel like curling up on the sofa and doing nothing half the time. It would be so much easier if I had a walking partner to walk with at least twice a week, or if I could do personal training for several months to have someone hold me accountable, or if Alex wouldn’t shrug off a roll as “no big deal, it’s just one piece of bread.” One piece turns into three with me. If I don’t have it there in the house in the first place, I won’t eat it and won’t miss it usually. Honestly though, it’s all up to me. I just need to want it bad enough to get off my butt and do what I know is necessary to lose this weight – again.